Boy I don't like feeling like this. I get to speak with my sponsor in one hour... God always shares so much wisdom and peace through her. I hear truth when we talk. I am reacting to situations in my world. Feeling disappointment. Watching a close friend eat herself right out of a good life, out of health, out of relationships. Sponsees are pulling away, doing their own thing, some choosing coe & food, others, self will over the program...
I stopped typing for a minute to take my cup out of the micro...make a cup of tea...walking from the microwave back to the computer it struck me that maybe it's simply "coming down" from a few awesome days. My birthday was so full of kindnesses, cards, calls, balloons, six calls, friends singing Happy Birthday to me ..... the whole song... with full voice and full heart, my favorite neighbor walked across the street with a gift a card and a huge hug for me, met me at the mail box... my beautiful husband did several lovely things to make this a special birthday, I guess fearing that 50 might be depressing :) ... it was anything but depressing. It was holy and beautiful and peaceful... Perhaps that's all it is and my mind is searching for reasons for feeling like I do this morning.
One thing I do know, is that the book says that the 12 steps will answer all my problems....that's such good news...ALL my problems....not just help me to stop using addictive substances....that's really good news because I haven't had a drink or a drug in almost 24 years, haven't broken my food abstinence in 6 years and some days I feel like snot....like this morning...when I began to post this. I'm still pretty much a relief seeking missile....today the relief comes from knowing there is an answer. I find it one action, prayer, quest at a time. One attempt to share what feels stuck inside, that tearful emotion choked down in my throat trying to come out....
So this morning, I have already made one outreach call to a fellow GS'er, left a voice mail for my GS sponsor, have sent my food plan, my reading and writing (I'm studying the traditions and finishing up on Tradition 9), my 10th step and my gratitude list by email to my loving OA HOW sponsor, I will talk to my wise service loving GS/BBSS sponsor in...let's see... now...only 20 minutes, and we will continue to go through the Big Book together one line at a time.... already I have done my work...highlighting instructions, promises, prayers and warnings .... underlining what I relate to in pencil, circling words I don't know and looking them up, writing the definition in the margin, penciling also in the margin my experience and identification. She told me that this is a journey to find myself in this book...to experience this book personally.
There is so much hope in the twelve step fellowship.
No matter how I feel, no matter what happens, no matter what...I don't have to eat and there is a solution. God wants me happy joyous and free...not so that I "feel good" only, but rather so that I can do good....and reach out my hand to that woman who is dying a horrid death...too slow to believe....wishing it would end ...kind of....but wishing it could be different, that the pain would stop and life would be like it looks on other peoples faces....worth living....
So, today I will put my food on the scale, ask God to use me for HIS good purpose and be grateful for this day....giving it in service to others....
Boy...I needed you this morning. Thank you for being with me.
God bless and IDENMW TYG.
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