The steps give me my special place in the world...

~My birthday is coming....I'm turning 50!
On Groundhog's Day....
That Does Not Seem Possible....
I feel like a kid. I look like a kid.
In March I will celebrate (God' Grace Provided) 24 years continuous sobriety in AA
That is nearly half my life.
~My baby sister just had her birthday this past weekend...
Being just a little more that 11 months apart....
For ten days each year, she and I are the same age....
Growing up, we always celebrated our birthdays together, the Sunday between.
....that seemed so unfair as kids...
We both felt ripped off...all those years...sharing that celebration...
the opportunity to be noticed, important....special.... was rare...
and this took it away completely.
Being raised in an alcoholic home, there was precious little attention...
Add to that Dad's long term illness which finally took him when I was 11
really left 6 kids pretty much expected to not have needs...or at least not voice them.
Of course his illness required so much time focus and attention.
As a kid....it just seemed natural that I be put aside for something as important as illness.
As an adult...I know that impacted everything about who I came to be...
...and the belief that I didn't matter.
That all got unraveled and healed in the work of the steps...
Thank you God...
Thank you AA.

~God doesn't make mistakes...
...being able to love my folks,
...who suffered with the same demons and diseases....
...who hadn't found what I was granted in the 12 Step Family...
...loving, forgiving, extending understanding, gentleness, courtesy...
...acting with purpose and compassion...
I learned that as a result of finding AA (OA, GS, OA HOW, ALANON)
I found AA as a result of the very childhood experiences I had...
None of it will be wasted...
There is a job for me to do....
and I'm uniquely qualified because of my specific past...
God is the ultimate Economist...
He doesn't waste a thing....
I'm healthy, happy, relatively sane (on most days) and willing to "hear and obey".
Making myself available to be His hands and feet...heart and ear...everyday...
I get to live a second life....
Much like my cat....

I like to think, making a fuss over my sister's special day
as well as being present for my own...
Is my way to live out my amend to those I hurt by being a sad disappointed little girl.

~ I say..."Who has it better than us in AA?"
"NO ONE!"

Different kind of hunger....

Still don't know if I'm writing to you, for you, or if it's more "voyer"? Writing for myself...and you are "lurking" or reading over my shoulder...I read your posts and ... well, yours are both kinds of writing. I'm hungry to understand this whole blogging thing. I'm a bright girl. This experience challenges that confidence, however. When I read your comment...I want to reply to it immediately...but I want it to be easy...like hitting "reply" to an email. I also want to be able to add you to a place for myself...to follow your blogs easily. I want to add that email option to my profile ( I think that's where it goes?) I'm hearing myself....like the old days....wanting 25 years of sobriety/abstinence and all that comes with it, at 30 days! I want to add a second & third "counter" so I can share my food sobriety as well as my GS food day count. Oh,.....I can hear her...addict annie...I want I want I want....I I I ....so it's time to just put out a request for help...Ok... steve...when you have time maybe we can do some of this together. I'm not surprised that I'm liking this blogging idea. I crave "communion" with my fellows, although I must be careful...it can so easily become an obsession...I love technology, I love new things and figuring them out, Love success, learning, talking, hearing, reading, connecting, having this computer and the vast possibilities and opportunities it affords....

I'd have none of this if I wasn't sober from drugs alcohol and food sober....eating a weighed commited meal plan that omits all my bingefoods and trigger foods...today I am clear headed, aware, willing, commited, grateful, happy, smiling, excited (not the warning kind of excitment on pg 88, but the expectant, vibrant, involved, alive kind of childlike giddy jumping up and down, sometimes inside myself, sometimes outwardly...with great joy). I truly have concern for my fellows and put the time in to being there...much like that which was (and is) given freely to me.

The food thing brought me to my bottom...so although I honor and cherish my 23 years of sobriety, food sobriety is where it starts for me. That's where I really live...it's who I really am. 24 years ago I was the angriest person I knew, 164 pounds heavier, looked really old for my young 26 year old self and woke up everyday wishing that I hadn't. Thank you Jesus....that it's not like that anymore. God, you are a good God. Thank you for the 12 step way of life. Whatever I did to get here...in the 12 step fellowships...and in the warm firm lap of my Abba Father Daddy God...I'd do it again...go through it again....but by His Grace...I hope I don't have to....

Wanting to connect...

Feeling frustrated...
want to add to my blog...
but can't get through the barriers...
I'm a smart girl..
why can't I figure this out...
well, no matter....
It will get done...
impatient, demanding, perfect-seeking,
oh...I would do well to not stay there....
So a prayer I sent to my Lord...
and off I go to busy myself in service...
Ain't life grand?
Nothin' to drink over, certainly nothing to eat over... NMW

Lovely Sunday Afternoon....

The opera was a huge success....
Does my heart good to see my lover on stage..
like a proud parent at a recital!

Home now...
chicken and salad waiting for me...
house becoming sunset..
warm feelings...go unspoken
we don't even need to say much today
we both feel it...
happy contentment

such a joy it is to live sober

Cold and Sunny....

It's nippy this morning...
I'm enjoying it....
A chance to wear jeans , a turtle neck and a nifty sweater.
Socks AND sneekers....
The bright sun is delightful through the window....
Looking out over the gorgeous landscaping...the fruit of our labor...
Grateful to be sober abstinent and able to feel...hot cold mad sad glad....
It's all good...

Ten favorite things starting with "J"

Jammies; probably one of my most favorite things in the world
possibly a heightened sense of it as I am on the mend from a cold....

January: My favorite sister is born in this month...we're 11 months apart...so for 10 days, she and I are the same age...and that day is coming up soon.

June: school's out in the little town I came from in upstate NY.
Riding home on the bus the whole last week of school, (which btw were half days...ahhhh the memories)I watched as the rides were going up for the annual "Strawberry Festival". What fantastic memories those are...

July: Summer, picnics, drive-in-movies, fire flys, the fourth, swimming, warm summer nights

Jumping: one of my most favorite things on the planet is jumping on a trampoline...one of the two things on my dream list...the other...a horse

Jitter-bug: love to dance. fond memories of high school, never pass up a chance to jitterbug...weddings a must!

Juicy Fruit Gum: of course I don't chew it anymore...but it was a favorite growing up...I can still see smell and taste the stripes...why haven't they made it sugar-free in all these years?

Juke Box...love music....remembering the quarter machine on the booth table at "Your Host" restaurants...

Junk stores: whether a dollar store, or Good Will type....love to look for treasures

Jetson's: one of many weekly programs that were fit for wholesome family viewing...remember those days....3 chanels of tv...a show was on once and if you missed it, you missed it

Thank God for phone meetings....and bedroom slippers

Happy Sabbath God...
I've had a lovely day.
The sun is shining...
Warmth floods my dining room through the picture window...
Like a cat...I stand by it and soak it in.
Day one of a real good head cold...
Kinda nice to have a reason to be still and tend to myself.
Funny, was around my spouse who has a cold for a week, no problem...
Spent time caring for a sick baby, and in no notes...
I'm sneezing, scratchy throat, running nose and tired...
Maybe I'm wierd, but I'm enjoying being a little sick
...in my pj's all day
...eating hot food slowly at mealtime
...knowing I don't have to get dressed or go anywhere today.
- Had another fire in the fireplace this morning
...really lovin' that....
...sipping hot decaf...
tired enough for a nap....so off I go...
Thank God I can nap...
Life is good...

I've participated in 3 phone meetings, rocked a baby, did the bedsheets

Friday night alone....to myself...

Ahhhhhhhhhhh, a night to myself....
My dear spouse has a rehearsal.....
It's rare that I get to have the house to myself these days...
So there's a log on the fire, a cat on my lap and my music on the record player...
Fleetwoodmac...a nice change from opera, classical and the rest of my partner's music...
Some days I forget that I love music and have my own taste...
Finished my abstinent dinner...boy it was delicious.
Reading a book that I received for Christmas...
A God book...
An ongoing conversation with the Master......
I can't read it for long, it puts me to sleep everytime...
Takes me to a very gently sleepy place...
In a good way...
Not boring, but rather very soothing.....
Reminds me of the old days when I would sleep in meetings
I felt safe, at home, protected and at great peace...
Life continues to be good...
And even though I'm enjoying my home, my time and my "stuff"
There is a "missing" ... my honey...
Thank God it's temporary...

Off center this morning

I guess it makes sense that I would feel a bit out of sorts after having company for 6 days. I don't think I'm blue...but kind of missing my visitor. It was a good visit, a bit confusing, brought up a variety of feelings. I will pray for my friend and put my friend safely in God's loving care. Sitting here, I guess what I feel is lonely right now. My spouse is not feeling well, and spent yesterday in bed so we had little real interaction. Cut back to one meeting a day from the 4 or 5 a day while my visitor was here. So perhaps I need to reach out today, and invite others into my life. I'm thankful. My heart feels. I'm grateful, I have trust. So off I go to make a call.

a glorious day of NMW

Okay, so now it's day 5 into year 7 of my w&m abstinence. After a 12 year food relapse, I'm more committed to seek and do HIS will then b4 the relapse. In one of the food fellowships, we talk about NMW's, (No matter what's), that means that there are no circumstances where breaking my food commitment is unavoidable. NONE.

Because I'm food sober, my mind is clear enough to make informed decisions today.
I am not food's hostage.
Food did not make my decisions today.

And what a lovely day I had.
Starting with rolling out of bed onto my knees, asking God for His will, as I have each day for 6 years and 5 days now.

Saying goodbye with a tearful hug to a friend who left to go home, 1200 miles away.
Wow...today I was present and knew God was with us. Four of us. I'm never alone.
Well, getting up at 2 am has caught up with me....so I think a nap is in order...Thank you God that today I can nap instead of "passing out" as a response to COE! (compulsive overeating).

don't know exactly how to do this...
Steve said it was easy...so I will trust...
one of his greatest attractions
trust...
I chose this blog name to remind me everyday who and what I am.
I am other things too..
but first and foremost...
I am a FA and IDENMW TYG!