Hope to post at least weekly.

I probably need to commit for myself...to post at least weekly.
Love the idea of blogging, but it's much like exercise....if you skip a week...it's easy to lose a month. I love reading what others are up to, so I will try to post just to keep in touch.

Tests are done. Got the letter today telling me I passed the first test...all of it...all four parts!
That is testimony to God and this fellowship. Didn't think I had a chance to pass. Sponsor suggested putting out a prayer request. Followed direction and of course studied (about 8 hours a day for 3 weeks...most of that time was spent on the math component). My mind drifted to the story of David and Goliath. This test seemed a giant for me. Puny little me...But God is faithful and I was only asked to do my part and show up. Thank you God. Studying used to be binge time...a book always went with a box or a bag...so it's to God's glory to have done this abstinently on Greysheet! That is God's other victory.

Anniversary number 24; 3.17.09

I wrote a big long post....deleted it.
What I really want to do is just share God's gift of the next anniversary.
Tomorrow will be 24 years in the AA fellowship without a break.
Without a slip.
Working the steps.
Today gratitude is abundant.
I was imperfect in my reactions to life...but grateful for the chance to make things right.
Lots of work to be done still....
Just need to stay in this 24 hours.
Praying God's hand on each one of you.
Kathy
idenmw

Life Goes On...

Life goes on...
Yes it does. It might seem selfish, but life does go on.
I want to share my journey of the last few weeks.
Inspired to do something that has been in my soul since I was 12...
I finally walked through the fear, overcame the procrastination and took some action...
Applied for Certification, Signed up for two huge tests, had all transcripts sent where they needed to go, studied 8 hours a day for three weeks, did my 12 step daily discipliles, showed up for the first set of tests, passed them, took the Second set of tests and now await those scores. There are more steps to take. My job now? To continue to ask for help/direction and follow those directions. God has a plan and I need to suit up, show up and willing to receive my instructions - they are given to me in small incriments... just one days worth of instruction/direction at a time. I don't know exactly what God has in store, but I do know that it is good, that it includes Abstinence, Sobriety Service and Love, and that through God, I can do all things. I don't need to know more. My Spiritual Awakening was not of the "white light" variety, it has been instead of the educational variety, slow...over time...and God knows what is best for me. Each step I take to get closer to Him, He takes one huge leaping step to meet me. I feel somehow small today. Small in a good protected and cared for way. At fifty, I am finding my God and my a new path, a new direction, or maybe just the continuation of the path that fear and untreated alcoholism kept me from taking. No matter, I show up, I trust, I ask, I seek, and idenmw nmw nmw.

No longer MIA

It's been weeks since I have blogged.
For no other reason than my plate go so full that something had to go, last in first out?
Not sure if that's it.
I guess since I didn't get real proficient in this it was easier to slide out.
An incident in my world, the suicide of a new friend, has had an impact.
Made me get to a meeting that I don't get to on Sunday.
Spurred me to ask for the phone number of the two muscateers from that meeting.
Inspired a deeper sense of love and brotherhood/sisterhood with those around me this morning.
Indeed, the 12 step folks are my family.
They are of my "new blood".
Sending my prayers up for Deena's soul, Deena's family and all who have been touched.
I will get off this computer now and use those two numbers....
I will also call Martha and tell her I love her and missed her this morning.
God, the Great Economist, wastes nothing.
Deena did not die in vain.
Many are making choices today, influenced by the choice she made on Friday.
God be with us all.
Don't know why, but I want to say I'm sorry to God, like you do when someone's mom dies of cancer. Like, I'm sorry God, that your Deena did that. Thank you God for inspiring me and nudging me to be inviting and loving to Deena. Always pulling up a chair and with that big Italian Wide Open Love, tell her I wanted her to sit with me and then engage her in talk. Her smile betrayed her pain. I didn't know it was there, but I know God loved her through many people. He let me be outside of myself for snippet of time, long enough to connect and touch her.

Emotional Hang Over.

Boy I don't like feeling like this. I get to speak with my sponsor in one hour... God always shares so much wisdom and peace through her. I hear truth when we talk. I am reacting to situations in my world. Feeling disappointment. Watching a close friend eat herself right out of a good life, out of health, out of relationships. Sponsees are pulling away, doing their own thing, some choosing coe & food, others, self will over the program...

I stopped typing for a minute to take my cup out of the micro...make a cup of tea...walking from the microwave back to the computer it struck me that maybe it's simply "coming down" from a few awesome days. My birthday was so full of kindnesses, cards, calls, balloons, six calls, friends singing Happy Birthday to me ..... the whole song... with full voice and full heart, my favorite neighbor walked across the street with a gift a card and a huge hug for me, met me at the mail box... my beautiful husband did several lovely things to make this a special birthday, I guess fearing that 50 might be depressing :) ... it was anything but depressing. It was holy and beautiful and peaceful... Perhaps that's all it is and my mind is searching for reasons for feeling like I do this morning.

One thing I do know, is that the book says that the 12 steps will answer all my problems....that's such good news...ALL my problems....not just help me to stop using addictive substances....that's really good news because I haven't had a drink or a drug in almost 24 years, haven't broken my food abstinence in 6 years and some days I feel like snot....like this morning...when I began to post this. I'm still pretty much a relief seeking missile....today the relief comes from knowing there is an answer. I find it one action, prayer, quest at a time. One attempt to share what feels stuck inside, that tearful emotion choked down in my throat trying to come out....

So this morning, I have already made one outreach call to a fellow GS'er, left a voice mail for my GS sponsor, have sent my food plan, my reading and writing (I'm studying the traditions and finishing up on Tradition 9), my 10th step and my gratitude list by email to my loving OA HOW sponsor, I will talk to my wise service loving GS/BBSS sponsor in...let's see... now...only 20 minutes, and we will continue to go through the Big Book together one line at a time.... already I have done my work...highlighting instructions, promises, prayers and warnings .... underlining what I relate to in pencil, circling words I don't know and looking them up, writing the definition in the margin, penciling also in the margin my experience and identification. She told me that this is a journey to find myself in this book...to experience this book personally.

There is so much hope in the twelve step fellowship.
No matter how I feel, no matter what happens, no matter what...I don't have to eat and there is a solution. God wants me happy joyous and free...not so that I "feel good" only, but rather so that I can do good....and reach out my hand to that woman who is dying a horrid death...too slow to believe....wishing it would end ...kind of....but wishing it could be different, that the pain would stop and life would be like it looks on other peoples faces....worth living....

So, today I will put my food on the scale, ask God to use me for HIS good purpose and be grateful for this day....giving it in service to others....

Boy...I needed you this morning. Thank you for being with me.
God bless and IDENMW TYG.

The steps give me my special place in the world...

~My birthday is coming....I'm turning 50!
On Groundhog's Day....
That Does Not Seem Possible....
I feel like a kid. I look like a kid.
In March I will celebrate (God' Grace Provided) 24 years continuous sobriety in AA
That is nearly half my life.
~My baby sister just had her birthday this past weekend...
Being just a little more that 11 months apart....
For ten days each year, she and I are the same age....
Growing up, we always celebrated our birthdays together, the Sunday between.
....that seemed so unfair as kids...
We both felt ripped off...all those years...sharing that celebration...
the opportunity to be noticed, important....special.... was rare...
and this took it away completely.
Being raised in an alcoholic home, there was precious little attention...
Add to that Dad's long term illness which finally took him when I was 11
really left 6 kids pretty much expected to not have needs...or at least not voice them.
Of course his illness required so much time focus and attention.
As a kid....it just seemed natural that I be put aside for something as important as illness.
As an adult...I know that impacted everything about who I came to be...
...and the belief that I didn't matter.
That all got unraveled and healed in the work of the steps...
Thank you God...
Thank you AA.

~God doesn't make mistakes...
...being able to love my folks,
...who suffered with the same demons and diseases....
...who hadn't found what I was granted in the 12 Step Family...
...loving, forgiving, extending understanding, gentleness, courtesy...
...acting with purpose and compassion...
I learned that as a result of finding AA (OA, GS, OA HOW, ALANON)
I found AA as a result of the very childhood experiences I had...
None of it will be wasted...
There is a job for me to do....
and I'm uniquely qualified because of my specific past...
God is the ultimate Economist...
He doesn't waste a thing....
I'm healthy, happy, relatively sane (on most days) and willing to "hear and obey".
Making myself available to be His hands and feet...heart and ear...everyday...
I get to live a second life....
Much like my cat....

I like to think, making a fuss over my sister's special day
as well as being present for my own...
Is my way to live out my amend to those I hurt by being a sad disappointed little girl.

~ I say..."Who has it better than us in AA?"
"NO ONE!"

Different kind of hunger....

Still don't know if I'm writing to you, for you, or if it's more "voyer"? Writing for myself...and you are "lurking" or reading over my shoulder...I read your posts and ... well, yours are both kinds of writing. I'm hungry to understand this whole blogging thing. I'm a bright girl. This experience challenges that confidence, however. When I read your comment...I want to reply to it immediately...but I want it to be easy...like hitting "reply" to an email. I also want to be able to add you to a place for myself...to follow your blogs easily. I want to add that email option to my profile ( I think that's where it goes?) I'm hearing myself....like the old days....wanting 25 years of sobriety/abstinence and all that comes with it, at 30 days! I want to add a second & third "counter" so I can share my food sobriety as well as my GS food day count. Oh,.....I can hear her...addict annie...I want I want I want....I I I ....so it's time to just put out a request for help...Ok... steve...when you have time maybe we can do some of this together. I'm not surprised that I'm liking this blogging idea. I crave "communion" with my fellows, although I must be careful...it can so easily become an obsession...I love technology, I love new things and figuring them out, Love success, learning, talking, hearing, reading, connecting, having this computer and the vast possibilities and opportunities it affords....

I'd have none of this if I wasn't sober from drugs alcohol and food sober....eating a weighed commited meal plan that omits all my bingefoods and trigger foods...today I am clear headed, aware, willing, commited, grateful, happy, smiling, excited (not the warning kind of excitment on pg 88, but the expectant, vibrant, involved, alive kind of childlike giddy jumping up and down, sometimes inside myself, sometimes outwardly...with great joy). I truly have concern for my fellows and put the time in to being there...much like that which was (and is) given freely to me.

The food thing brought me to my bottom...so although I honor and cherish my 23 years of sobriety, food sobriety is where it starts for me. That's where I really live...it's who I really am. 24 years ago I was the angriest person I knew, 164 pounds heavier, looked really old for my young 26 year old self and woke up everyday wishing that I hadn't. Thank you Jesus....that it's not like that anymore. God, you are a good God. Thank you for the 12 step way of life. Whatever I did to get here...in the 12 step fellowships...and in the warm firm lap of my Abba Father Daddy God...I'd do it again...go through it again....but by His Grace...I hope I don't have to....

Wanting to connect...

Feeling frustrated...
want to add to my blog...
but can't get through the barriers...
I'm a smart girl..
why can't I figure this out...
well, no matter....
It will get done...
impatient, demanding, perfect-seeking,
oh...I would do well to not stay there....
So a prayer I sent to my Lord...
and off I go to busy myself in service...
Ain't life grand?
Nothin' to drink over, certainly nothing to eat over... NMW

Lovely Sunday Afternoon....

The opera was a huge success....
Does my heart good to see my lover on stage..
like a proud parent at a recital!

Home now...
chicken and salad waiting for me...
house becoming sunset..
warm feelings...go unspoken
we don't even need to say much today
we both feel it...
happy contentment

such a joy it is to live sober

Cold and Sunny....

It's nippy this morning...
I'm enjoying it....
A chance to wear jeans , a turtle neck and a nifty sweater.
Socks AND sneekers....
The bright sun is delightful through the window....
Looking out over the gorgeous landscaping...the fruit of our labor...
Grateful to be sober abstinent and able to feel...hot cold mad sad glad....
It's all good...

Ten favorite things starting with "J"

Jammies; probably one of my most favorite things in the world
possibly a heightened sense of it as I am on the mend from a cold....

January: My favorite sister is born in this month...we're 11 months apart...so for 10 days, she and I are the same age...and that day is coming up soon.

June: school's out in the little town I came from in upstate NY.
Riding home on the bus the whole last week of school, (which btw were half days...ahhhh the memories)I watched as the rides were going up for the annual "Strawberry Festival". What fantastic memories those are...

July: Summer, picnics, drive-in-movies, fire flys, the fourth, swimming, warm summer nights

Jumping: one of my most favorite things on the planet is jumping on a trampoline...one of the two things on my dream list...the other...a horse

Jitter-bug: love to dance. fond memories of high school, never pass up a chance to jitterbug...weddings a must!

Juicy Fruit Gum: of course I don't chew it anymore...but it was a favorite growing up...I can still see smell and taste the stripes...why haven't they made it sugar-free in all these years?

Juke Box...love music....remembering the quarter machine on the booth table at "Your Host" restaurants...

Junk stores: whether a dollar store, or Good Will type....love to look for treasures

Jetson's: one of many weekly programs that were fit for wholesome family viewing...remember those days....3 chanels of tv...a show was on once and if you missed it, you missed it

Thank God for phone meetings....and bedroom slippers

Happy Sabbath God...
I've had a lovely day.
The sun is shining...
Warmth floods my dining room through the picture window...
Like a cat...I stand by it and soak it in.
Day one of a real good head cold...
Kinda nice to have a reason to be still and tend to myself.
Funny, was around my spouse who has a cold for a week, no problem...
Spent time caring for a sick baby, and in no notes...
I'm sneezing, scratchy throat, running nose and tired...
Maybe I'm wierd, but I'm enjoying being a little sick
...in my pj's all day
...eating hot food slowly at mealtime
...knowing I don't have to get dressed or go anywhere today.
- Had another fire in the fireplace this morning
...really lovin' that....
...sipping hot decaf...
tired enough for a nap....so off I go...
Thank God I can nap...
Life is good...

I've participated in 3 phone meetings, rocked a baby, did the bedsheets

Friday night alone....to myself...

Ahhhhhhhhhhh, a night to myself....
My dear spouse has a rehearsal.....
It's rare that I get to have the house to myself these days...
So there's a log on the fire, a cat on my lap and my music on the record player...
Fleetwoodmac...a nice change from opera, classical and the rest of my partner's music...
Some days I forget that I love music and have my own taste...
Finished my abstinent dinner...boy it was delicious.
Reading a book that I received for Christmas...
A God book...
An ongoing conversation with the Master......
I can't read it for long, it puts me to sleep everytime...
Takes me to a very gently sleepy place...
In a good way...
Not boring, but rather very soothing.....
Reminds me of the old days when I would sleep in meetings
I felt safe, at home, protected and at great peace...
Life continues to be good...
And even though I'm enjoying my home, my time and my "stuff"
There is a "missing" ... my honey...
Thank God it's temporary...

Off center this morning

I guess it makes sense that I would feel a bit out of sorts after having company for 6 days. I don't think I'm blue...but kind of missing my visitor. It was a good visit, a bit confusing, brought up a variety of feelings. I will pray for my friend and put my friend safely in God's loving care. Sitting here, I guess what I feel is lonely right now. My spouse is not feeling well, and spent yesterday in bed so we had little real interaction. Cut back to one meeting a day from the 4 or 5 a day while my visitor was here. So perhaps I need to reach out today, and invite others into my life. I'm thankful. My heart feels. I'm grateful, I have trust. So off I go to make a call.

a glorious day of NMW

Okay, so now it's day 5 into year 7 of my w&m abstinence. After a 12 year food relapse, I'm more committed to seek and do HIS will then b4 the relapse. In one of the food fellowships, we talk about NMW's, (No matter what's), that means that there are no circumstances where breaking my food commitment is unavoidable. NONE.

Because I'm food sober, my mind is clear enough to make informed decisions today.
I am not food's hostage.
Food did not make my decisions today.

And what a lovely day I had.
Starting with rolling out of bed onto my knees, asking God for His will, as I have each day for 6 years and 5 days now.

Saying goodbye with a tearful hug to a friend who left to go home, 1200 miles away.
Wow...today I was present and knew God was with us. Four of us. I'm never alone.
Well, getting up at 2 am has caught up with me....so I think a nap is in order...Thank you God that today I can nap instead of "passing out" as a response to COE! (compulsive overeating).

don't know exactly how to do this...
Steve said it was easy...so I will trust...
one of his greatest attractions
trust...
I chose this blog name to remind me everyday who and what I am.
I am other things too..
but first and foremost...
I am a FA and IDENMW TYG!